Warheads

Daphne challenged me to a Warheads contest and totally kicked my butt...

i have a dream...

I have always believed that one day I would get my entire house clean and organized and that once I got to that point I would be able to maintain it and that CHAOS (can't have anyone over syndrome) would be a thing of the past. I am beginning to wonder if this dream of mine is actually a pipe dream that I should shelve for the time being but I keep trying to realize this illusive dream of mine because I know that there are people out there who do it, even working mom's who manage to keep everything in its' proper place. Advice?

Little Red Riding Hood

I couple of weeks ago I participated in my first ever organized bike ride. It was also the fifth time I had ever been on my new and totally awesome cyclocross bike (basically a road bike with slightly bigger tires because I am afraid of falling) and I road 37 miles. I am super proud of myself and had a great time. My sister, Tyra, and I road together (she was six week postpartum at the time and is way cooler than me) and my mom and Lara road 67 miles together. The ride is really cool because it is in Logan so it is beautiful and it is only women so it is very non-competitive. Also, all of the proceeds benefit cancer research which is an added bonus. I really had a great time and think I am going to try to do this ride every year.

This picture doesn't accurately depict how blazing fast I was pedaling.

Me and Tyra at the finish line (Hawaiian theme this year).

monday's...

They aren't good to me. I guess they feel obligated to live up to their infamous reputation. I haven't figured out what triggers my Monday blues but my first day of the week is generally filled with a sad sense of uneasiness.

I'll spend my day trying to focus and I'll use my list of "to do's" to distract me and hopefully interrupt depressions' downward spiral but I will likely pass through the entire day feeling uncomfortable in my own skin.

depression sucks, part II

This little ditty arrived in my inbox today:

Very simply, Amy, the more that you accept responsibility for, the more power you have.
Doesn't that rock?

Love,
The Universe

And you know what? It's true. Owning my depression has helped to lift some of the burden I was feeling. The past 30+ days have been hard. I have been in a slump (not a dark scary one, more of a sad fog with scattered anxiety) and I couldn't make it go away. When I am in a depression I generally spiral downward until I reach out in some form or another and I usually don't remember that reaching out is the first step up until after I have taken it.

I am not really the type of person to censor myself (I like to swear when it is comically necessary or I am really worked up and there is no other alternative and I know that I sometimes share inappropriate poop and family drama stories because I just can't help myself) but I have definitely been delivering an edited version of myself to the blogisphere. And that is okay and I am pretty sure that most of us do the same but I am starting to feel like this here blog may be an important ingredient in the personalized anti-depression repellent I am trying to develop. I am not a novice and I know that depression can't really be repelled but I also know that the more resources I have available to me when the going gets dark the easier it will be to find things to hold on to until that glimmer of light decides to show up.

Thank you friends. I love you.


And because I can't resist...
A Charlie-ism from yesterday:
Me: deep sigh (taken while in the process of cleaning large amounts of poop off Charlie's crib)
Charlie: Mom, why you say, hmmhmmm?
Me: Oh, I am just tired.
Charlie: You not tired! I tired! That poop woke my nap!

depression sucks

What if I started posting about my brush ups with depression? Would you think less of me? Would you be afraid of me? Would you start to treat me with kid gloves (I hate the thought of this one the most)? Would you feel bad for my kids? Would you read my posts, reflect on your own battle and then leave me an encouraging comment?